She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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