I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
