my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize