shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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