New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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