did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize