Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
