He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
