she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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