drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
