My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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