"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
