he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
