I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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