this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
