I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
