And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
