She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
