someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
