He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I want to fling myself into the sun
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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