Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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