I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
