the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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