I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
