I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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