he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
