Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
