Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
