I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
