I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
