I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
