I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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