Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
