so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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