Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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