Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
