Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
