I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
