I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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