I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
