You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
