i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
