just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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