I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I AM VODKA MAN
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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