The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
