What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
