Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
