I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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