ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just invented taco cereal.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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