There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
