We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
