Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
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