Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
