all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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