I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
