get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
